Duke University - Member News
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On a Curious SayingI’ve always wondered what the phrase “we made out like bandits” means. Is it just that you kissed while wearing masks? That could be fun, I guess… Scott...read more
from Porter Mason on 06/01/2006
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On Telling Me Not To AskTwo friends. A coffee shop. One joins the other at a table. The sitter has a caramel latte, but asked the barista to check simply “coffee” on the cup label. “Sorry I’m late. Traffic was terrible. Don’t ask.” “OK.” “‘OK’ what? “OK. I won’t ask.”...read more
from Porter Mason on 12/07/2005
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On Baby NamesIf you’re like me, and I’m sure that you are, you’re constantly thinking up names for your unborn children…you’re also constantly thinking up looks for your unknown wife, but that’s outside the scope of this Thought. Naming your kids is tough. Of my 11 illegitimate children scattered throughout the continental United States (I...read more
from Porter Mason on 11/15/2005
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On SleepwalkingSo, as far as I know, I’ve never been a sleepwalker. I’ve been a liar, a cheat, a space cowboy, a drunk, a scholar, a gentleman, a pirate (for Halloween), and a bunch of other junk, but never a sleepwalker. However, more than once, twice actually, in the past couple years I have...read more
from Porter Mason on 10/11/2005
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On the Weirdest Craigslist Listing I’ve SeenI’m going to be moving soon. Trying to class up my furniture a bit, so I figured second hand would totally be the way to go. Accordingly, I checked out some of the listings on everybody’s favorite Internet swap meet: craigslist. There, I saw the following: Blue Plastic bowels with lid...read more
from Porter Mason on 07/22/2005
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On Some Words to Live ByNever send a boy to do a man’s job. Unless the man’s job is to invent toys targeted at that boy’s age group. No man is an island. Most are archipelagos. And there’s a dude in southwest Missouri who’s a land bridge. $50 can go a long way. Especially...read more
from Porter Mason on 06/22/2005
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On Rules for an IglooIf I ever live in an igloo, I would have a strict policy that people would have to take their shoes off before coming in. It’s hell cleaning those things, and I would just have to put my foot down. I would also not allow any penguins in my igloo. If you have...read more
from Porter Mason on 06/21/2005
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On Chan ChanChan Chan was a small dog lost in the woods rooting around for scraps of food. A dachsund mix, he was small, long, but with the ears of a German shepherd. He was a good dog, though not much to look at. He liked humans, but he never had much luck with...read more
from Porter Mason on 06/20/2005
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On Love Being BlindLove is blind. Which is too bad, becuase Love works in the cubicle right next to this girl who has an amazing rack and a really nice ass. Porter...read more
from Porter Mason on 06/17/2005
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On Gaining a Little WeightGaining a little weight around the ol’ midsection? Well, as the saying goes: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Or, more appropriately, if your jeans don’t fit, get new jeans. And if you can’t afford new jeans, get a higher paying job. And if you can’t get a higher paying...read more
from Porter Mason on 06/16/2005
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On a Polish Guy and an Italian GirlA Polish guy and an Italian girl walk into a bar. They sit down and each order a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t have any beer, but I’ve got whiskey. How about two whiskeys on the rocks?” The Polish guys say, “Well, I don’t usually drink liquor, but OK.”...read more
from Porter Mason on 06/15/2005
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On Our Places in the UniverseToo often, we let our lives rush by without giving much thought to why we do what we do. We let momentum and inertia and the status quo carry us, and in the end we do things that ultimately leave us feeling empty, vacant, soulless, and without purpose. We must each embark on...read more
from Porter Mason on 06/14/2005
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On a Lunch OrderRidiculous. You can’t tell me what to do. I’ve worked here for twenty-two years. I’ve got an office. An office with a window. A window with a view straight down Lexington Avenue. I know the books of Brantley and Sentson Accounting inside and out. I single-handedly saved us...read more
from Porter Mason on 06/13/2005
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On Going BlindHave you heard the recent rumors that potentially tie Viagra to blindness? Reminds me of that old wives’ tale about masturbation making you go blind. Seems odd that your eyesight would be tied to use of your reproductive organs. I mean, if that were true : : ;...read more
from Porter Mason on 06/08/2005
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On Meaningless Promotional StatementsHas everyone heard of the movie “Kung Fu Hustle”? It seems to be a cross between “Crouching Tiger” and “Naked Gun”. By that I mean it combines martial arts with slapstick comedy. Given, this is an untapped and uncommon genre. So the marketers of the movie are promoting it by playing...read more
from Porter Mason on 05/02/2005
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On Losing My MindAs I approach my last set of exams EVER, my final finals if you will, I’ve realized that I am, in fact, losing my mind. Not “slashing prices at my wholesale furniture store crazy,” but rather “senile old man looking for car keys” losin’ it. How do I know? Let me answer...read more
from Porter Mason on 04/26/2005
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On a Lambchop DVD ReviewA DVD review. For a long time, Chanukah was the retarded, bastard, red-headed stepchild of Christmas. Even Jews thought they were perpetuating stereotypes when you consider they were having an 8-day festival to celebrate the economical use of lighter fluid. However, all that was to change with the 1995 release of Lambchop’s Chanukah,read more
from Porter Mason on 02/04/2005
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On Why This Thought Is LateThis Thought is dedicated to TheTownFetus in our boards and to all the hard working men and women in America’s car port contruction business. Ok, so I promised the members of our Boards a new thought by Wednesday. And I had a great one - on car ports! I mean, it’s not...read more
from Porter Mason on 12/05/2004
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On Halloween CostumesOK, ladies. I’m onto you. I’ve figured out the secret to every Halloween costume a girl wears past the age of consent. I mean, it’s tough for a guy to come up with a costume that’s clever and original and appreciated. This year, I reused a costume from my sophomore year...read more
from Porter Mason on 12/02/2004
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On Letters from the GraveIf you’re familiar with this “Internet” that everyone is talking about these days, you may have heard of this new posthumous e-mail service. Apparently, you can sign up with this service and write a bunch of e-mails to various people which will be sent to them when you die. How does the Internet...read more
from Porter Mason on 12/01/2004
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